Pins and Needles

They increased my medicine again, and added a new one, to help me concentrate and get through finals. They have their ups and downs, of course there's some shitty side effects. I'm thirsty all the time now, which isn't bad, but holy crap do I drink alot of water now, and the medicine to help me concentrate makes me fall asleep. It's like having clear thoughts for a couple hours, and then you crash. I took some this morning for my math test, and afterwards I got home and took a two hour nap. I have been bruising pretty badly lately, like everything bruises me, I'm not too sure if I should be worried or not, but my legs are bruised from the knees down. Its REALLY attractive.

I also started therapy monday, and I'll see her every two weeks or so, so far it's gone well. Better than the last two thats for sure. I can tell her things that I'm too afraid to write on here (yes, there are things in this world that I'd rather the world wide web not know, hold your gasps). I hope it works out though, I'm hopeful. She thinks in the long run I could possibly be taken off medicine, have less panic attacks, and actually feel normal, which would be wonderful.

I've developed a fear of sleeping alone, I guess it stems from my fear of being alone. I tend to do stupid things when I'm by myself, so I take precautions, I'm hardly ever alone, which makes me feel really bad for Einstein, since he's by himself most the time. I think it's understandable though, I like the company of other people, I like to watch the world live on around me.

On a happier note, East and I went ice skating last week, and I had a really good time, it took me a bit to get the hang of it, but I eventually did pretty well, I did fall pretty badly and bruised my butt. I quit after that. but I did have a good time. Then I got to see my family for Easter, and that was WONDERFUL I love seeing them, I love being able to spend time with them, and show them my life here.

It's time for me to call it a night, my beautiful readers:

"you look like the universe decided it was being tired of being so immense 

so it compressed all of its beauty and complexity and wonder

into a smaller form so it could make everyone around you feel like they 

were a part of the 

stars"

aaaaand for all you brave souls going through finals soon: May the odds be ever in your favor, we've fought the good fight. I'll see you on the other side. The side of summer. 

Straight Thugging it with East, and his manly croissants. 

Alex in Wonderland

Hello my lovelies, I'm sorry I've been gone so long! I just... I couldn't think of anything to write, the life of a college student is pretty mundane, but I did come back to Lufkin for the weekend, and lemme tell you. It's depressing. In college station, I feel like I'm alive, I feel like breathe again. Maybe because I'm never alone, I'm in class all day, and after class I'm usually studying with East. It's a nice distraction. It's nice to actually feel human. The other night I laughed harder than I have in months, probably since Lizzie died. And it felt so nice. All my friend did was talk like Beaker, and I swear to God it was the funniest thing I had seen in my entire life. Just being in Lufkin is what gets me down, I hate being alone, and I hate feeling alone. I don;t really have any friends that live here anymore, so when I'm back home it's just me. I know my mom is here, but she shuts herself in her room, and i've learned to do the same. We both shut ourselves away, and pretend we're okay. Put our sorrow on a shelf, and maybe if we don't look at it it will go away. It never does. I do the same thing in real life, I put something aside and I tell myself every day that I need to throw it away, I need to get rid of it, but it's still there, I see it ever single day.
I wish I could tell people like me that it gets better, and yeah, some days it does, but the sadness will always be there. Today I laid in bed and cried for absolutely no reason, I can't remember the last time I actually broke down and cried, but tonight I did. I wish I could place where the hell it came from, but I can't. Maybe just every stress and upsetting thing that I put on my little IKEA shelf, came crashing down.
I think my problem is feeling wanted, I KNOW I am wanted, by so many, but sometimes I get this ache in my chest where I second guess myself. Second guess my self worth. And it hurts when I think about her, which is alot on car rides. A song will come on that reminds me of her, and it rips open the wound of me missing her. Honestly I would trade my soul to get my sister back. I would give up anything to have her back with me, healthy and happy and hopeful. But I can't. I can't bring her back, and sometimes I give myself nightmares of me blaming myself, and trying to get her back. Then I wake up and realize that this is just month two. Does it get better?

Here's some pictures of my recent adventures
P.S. I have to write a short story for English, if anyone has any good ideas for Topics, that'd be incredibly helpful.

 Round up 2014

 My main bitch and forever workout buddy 

I'm no longer allowed to do East's hair.