Alex in Wonderland

Hello my lovelies, I'm sorry I've been gone so long! I just... I couldn't think of anything to write, the life of a college student is pretty mundane, but I did come back to Lufkin for the weekend, and lemme tell you. It's depressing. In college station, I feel like I'm alive, I feel like breathe again. Maybe because I'm never alone, I'm in class all day, and after class I'm usually studying with East. It's a nice distraction. It's nice to actually feel human. The other night I laughed harder than I have in months, probably since Lizzie died. And it felt so nice. All my friend did was talk like Beaker, and I swear to God it was the funniest thing I had seen in my entire life. Just being in Lufkin is what gets me down, I hate being alone, and I hate feeling alone. I don;t really have any friends that live here anymore, so when I'm back home it's just me. I know my mom is here, but she shuts herself in her room, and i've learned to do the same. We both shut ourselves away, and pretend we're okay. Put our sorrow on a shelf, and maybe if we don't look at it it will go away. It never does. I do the same thing in real life, I put something aside and I tell myself every day that I need to throw it away, I need to get rid of it, but it's still there, I see it ever single day.
I wish I could tell people like me that it gets better, and yeah, some days it does, but the sadness will always be there. Today I laid in bed and cried for absolutely no reason, I can't remember the last time I actually broke down and cried, but tonight I did. I wish I could place where the hell it came from, but I can't. Maybe just every stress and upsetting thing that I put on my little IKEA shelf, came crashing down.
I think my problem is feeling wanted, I KNOW I am wanted, by so many, but sometimes I get this ache in my chest where I second guess myself. Second guess my self worth. And it hurts when I think about her, which is alot on car rides. A song will come on that reminds me of her, and it rips open the wound of me missing her. Honestly I would trade my soul to get my sister back. I would give up anything to have her back with me, healthy and happy and hopeful. But I can't. I can't bring her back, and sometimes I give myself nightmares of me blaming myself, and trying to get her back. Then I wake up and realize that this is just month two. Does it get better?

Here's some pictures of my recent adventures
P.S. I have to write a short story for English, if anyone has any good ideas for Topics, that'd be incredibly helpful.

 Round up 2014

 My main bitch and forever workout buddy 

I'm no longer allowed to do East's hair.