Lonely Bea: Decision

LIfe presents us with decisions every day, some simple, some not so much, and it's our job to make those decisions, and sometimes we fuck up, but you know what? That's okay. You can screw up one time or a million times, and guess what? That doesn't make you a fuck-up, that doesn't make you any less important than you are, doesn't make you any less loved.

We fear disappointment, from others, but most of all from ourselves. I've slipped so many times, and there's no one I disappointed more than myself. I mess up in a class or I start having dark thoughts again, and I become so angry with myself, I'm beyond that. I'm smart, I'm so smart, and I'm strong, and you know what? I'm needed. Sometimes I forget that, I forget about how needed I am, and then I look at Einstein, and I remember that he needs me more than anything. I'm his whole life, and the thought of leaving him, of hurting him like his previous owners did, reminds me that no matter how insignificant I feel, there will always be someone who needs me, there will always be someone who wants to be in my presence, wants to hang out with me, to see me smile and laugh, and most important, for me to love them.

There is something I need to work on, and that's knowing that I don't have to be strong all the time. I don't have to pretend to be okay. I know that people need me, they need me to be strong and show that I can get through this, but sometimes I think they forget that I lost my best friend. The day of her funeral so many people came up to me and told me "You need to be strong, you need to take care of [insert name here]" and that kinda messed me up. Wasn't I suppose to be the wreck? Wasn't I suppose to be the one who needed to be taken care of? Everyone told me to be strong and so that's what I did. I put my sister on a shelf, and only take her down when I'm drunk.

I've worked so hard to be someone that people are proud of, to be someone that people can look up to and know that when it goes tits up, I'll still be there, and I will. But I'm making a decision right now, no more fake strength, no more keeping people I love at an arms distance away. I've learned if you don't let anyone in, then they can't hurt you, but how long can someone live that way? Keeping everything inside? So this is my decision, I've decided to live my life.

"of course I make mistakes. I'm human, If I didn't make mistakes, I'd never learn. You can only go forward by making mistakes."

-Alexander McQueen

P.S. please pray for me as I finish my last two finals.