Questions

Religion hasn't always been my strong suit, I went to church as a child only because I was told to, I was told that's what you're suppose to do, but sometime between middle school and high school, I stopped going. It started with me not going to Wednesday night church every night, then no Wednesday night church at all, and then I just stopped going.
As I've gotten older, and have had to live through the slow and painful decay of my sister (and frankly, of my sanity) I began to question God. I questioned why people who claim to love him are complete and total hypocrites. It's my belief that you can't be an ass in everyday life, but on Sunday you're nothing less of saintly. It's my belief that my relationship with the man upstairs is something personal, I don't need a middle man telling me things I don't believe in. I also believe The Bible, while it was relevant some thousands of years ago, is highly outdated, and it's been translated back and forth between so many versions and languages, that it makes me wonder how much of the original book is left.
I've been told that I'm going to Hell, I've been told that because of the way I have chosen to live my life, my sexuality, my piercings, my tattoo, and because I enjoy the comfort of yoga pants. Which brings me to my next point, Hell is believed to be brimstone and fire, but what if each persons hell is different? I'm personally TERRIFIED of June Bugs, my Hell would be me surrounded by them with no escape. I feel the same way about Heaven, everyone has a different Heaven; I see it as a really big house where everyone has their own rooms, but can travel between them to visit friends.

I'm honestly not trying to upset anyone by writing this, it's just my personal belief, but I just don't understand how people can question the government and they're called revolutionaries, but put the man in charge in a suit with a bible, and anyone who questions him is Satan. I'm not saying I'm right, I'm not saying anyone else is wrong, the first rule of Christianity is to not be a dick, love and accept people as they are. There's a whole part of "turning the other cheek" thing in the Bible. If you want to believe in The Flying Spaghetti Monster, you do you Bubu, just don't think I'm bashing on your religion when I ask about it, I'm honestly just curious and want to know more. Just like you can be christian or jewish or whatever, but mix in some hindu meditation.

I identify as Christian, that's it, no denomination, just Christian, but I also believe in the supernatural and that people can communicate with the other side. Hell, I believe that the moon cycles play a very important role in our everyday life. I have a friend who thinks he's clairvoyant, and when he told me I gave him suggestions of how he can find out if it's true or not. I believe in science, and that most things do have a scientific answer, but on the other hand I believe in some things that people would consider Wiccan.

Just live your life, and be whatever you want to be. Oh, and if someone makes fun of you or makes you feel bad for whatever you believe, like, ect. punch them. right in the face.

The struggles of Art

Since coming to San Antonio, I've been blessed with copious amounts of free time, and some not so great wifi, so I've been drawing alot, and it got me thinking of all the awkward questions I have to ask people, the weird favors I have to pull, and most of all the weird things I search on the internet. I'm 90% sure that I'm on some government watch list now due to all the pictures and information I look up.

Just the other day I had to ask one of my friends if I could take pictures of him so I could practice drawing male muscle structures. I'm already awkward about that kind of thing and him having NO idea what I was talking about didn't make it easier. I mean, in the end it all worked out, but it still was a very awkward conversation.

The sad part is, that's not even the weirdest thing I've had to ask my friends, I've had to ask one of my friends to look like they were choking me so I could have a reference photo, I've asked to take pictures of knee caps, hands, faces, and asked general weird and personal questions about their bodies. I mean, usually I can use myself as a reference, but 1) I'm not a dude, so I can't really do that for when I'm working on males and 2) It's kinda boring to draw the same body type over and over again. Luckily I have some pretty understanding friends, and some of them actually get really excited when I ask them to "model" for me. I'm definitely blessed that my friends and family are VERY supportive of my art, and of me in general.

One thing that does really concern me is my hand tremors, they're unfortunately a side effect of all of the medications that I'm on and I usually can keep them under control with eating right, but the other night they shook so badly I couldn't hold my phone, much less a pencil, I'm not going to lie, I cried. Art is the only thing I've ever wanted to do, and the only thing I've fallen in love with (besides books). I threw myself into hysterics, how could I be an artist and make art for a living if I can't use my hands? It's definitely something that I'm going to have to manage and try to work past.

But anyways, sorry I haven't been posting, but I still love all of you! and I'm here. And even if you don't think you're an artist, you can draw me a picture of stick people and I will still think it's beautiful.

bi like a bicycle

As many of you know, I came out as bisexual this year, well i guess last year technically, it was in 2013, and for me finally opening up about my sexuality, I sure do get alot of shit about it. People always question it, like all the time. Literally the first thing I hear is "how do you really know if you've never had sex?" Here's how I know, I'm attracted to women. Simple as that. I don't live "the best of both worlds" I live in a world where people think I'm going through a phase, where I don't fit neatly into a single category, a world where I'm expected to be one or the other.

I'm so tired of hearing "why do you like women when you have such nice boys around?" I hear that from my own damn family, and no, I don't expect conservative East Texas Southern Baptists to understand that I'm allowed to love whomever I want, that I'm allowed to live my own life. Just because I'm in a relationship with a man doesn't mean I'm straight, Just because I'm in a relationship with a woman doesn't mean I'm a lesbian. LIfe isn't black and white, it's 50 shades of gray.

I may grow up and marry a man, I may grow up and marry a woman, but guess what? That's okay. It is so okay. Because they will be someone who loves me and cares for me passionately. God made wen and women, why not enjoy both? I am more than my sexuality. I'm up front about it to everyone I go on dates with, and if they can't accept that, then they don't deserve me. But out of all the dates I've been on this year, that has been like 2 people that have had a problem with it. How can strangers accept me, but own family can't?

I am smart. I am beautiful. I am so many things. and I am bisexual, but that doesn't define me, it's a part of me, and it's about time people, especially members of my own family, accepted that. Have all of me or have none of me.

"Life is hard, it's all about road blocks and set backs, but it's so worth living, every single moment is, every man woman and child is worth living for. Life sucks sometimes and People will hurt you and take advantage of you, but at the end of the day, love who you are. Life is worth it, love is worth it, and it's about time we realized that" 

Decision

LIfe presents us with decisions every day, some simple, some not so much, and it's our job to make those decisions, and sometimes we fuck up, but you know what? That's okay. You can screw up one time or a million times, and guess what? That doesn't make you a fuck-up, that doesn't make you any less important than you are, doesn't make you any less loved.

We fear disappointment, from others, but most of all from ourselves. I've slipped so many times, and there's no one I disappointed more than myself. I mess up in a class or I start having dark thoughts again, and I become so angry with myself, I'm beyond that. I'm smart, I'm so smart, and I'm strong, and you know what? I'm needed. Sometimes I forget that, I forget about how needed I am, and then I look at Einstein, and I remember that he needs me more than anything. I'm his whole life, and the thought of leaving him, of hurting him like his previous owners did, reminds me that no matter how insignificant I feel, there will always be someone who needs me, there will always be someone who wants to be in my presence, wants to hang out with me, to see me smile and laugh, and most important, for me to love them. 

There is something I need to work on, and that's knowing that I don't have to be strong all the time. I don't have to pretend to be okay. I know that people need me, they need me to be strong and show that I can get through this, but sometimes I think they forget that I lost my best friend. The day of her funeral so many people came up to me and told me "You need to be strong, you need to take care of [insert name here]" and that kinda messed me up. Wasn't I suppose to be the wreck? Wasn't I suppose to be the one who needed to be taken care of? Everyone told me to be strong and so that's what I did. I put my sister on a shelf, and only take her down when I'm drunk.

I've worked so hard to be someone that people are proud of, to be someone that people can look up to and know that when it goes tits up, I'll still be there, and I will. But I'm making a decision right now, no more fake strength, no more keeping people I love at an arms distance away. I've learned if you don't let anyone in, then they can't hurt you, but how long can someone live that way? Keeping everything inside? So this is my decision, I've decided to live my life.

"of course I make mistakes. I'm human, If I didn't make mistakes, I'd never learn. You can only go forward by making mistakes." 

-Alexander McQueen

P.S. please pray for me as I finish my last two finals. 

   Me and My best-friend , Cake 

Fun at Boot dance! 

So glad I got to go to boot dance with my handsome date, I'm so proud of him. 

Pins and Needles

They increased my medicine again, and added a new one, to help me concentrate and get through finals. They have their ups and downs, of course there's some shitty side effects. I'm thirsty all the time now, which isn't bad, but holy crap do I drink alot of water now, and the medicine to help me concentrate makes me fall asleep. It's like having clear thoughts for a couple hours, and then you crash. I took some this morning for my math test, and afterwards I got home and took a two hour nap. I have been bruising pretty badly lately, like everything bruises me, I'm not too sure if I should be worried or not, but my legs are bruised from the knees down. Its REALLY attractive.

I also started therapy monday, and I'll see her every two weeks or so, so far it's gone well. Better than the last two thats for sure. I can tell her things that I'm too afraid to write on here (yes, there are things in this world that I'd rather the world wide web not know, hold your gasps). I hope it works out though, I'm hopeful. She thinks in the long run I could possibly be taken off medicine, have less panic attacks, and actually feel normal, which would be wonderful.

I've developed a fear of sleeping alone, I guess it stems from my fear of being alone. I tend to do stupid things when I'm by myself, so I take precautions, I'm hardly ever alone, which makes me feel really bad for Einstein, since he's by himself most the time. I think it's understandable though, I like the company of other people, I like to watch the world live on around me.

On a happier note, East and I went ice skating last week, and I had a really good time, it took me a bit to get the hang of it, but I eventually did pretty well, I did fall pretty badly and bruised my butt. I quit after that. but I did have a good time. Then I got to see my family for Easter, and that was WONDERFUL I love seeing them, I love being able to spend time with them, and show them my life here.

It's time for me to call it a night, my beautiful readers:

"you look like the universe decided it was being tired of being so immense 

so it compressed all of its beauty and complexity and wonder

into a smaller form so it could make everyone around you feel like they 

were a part of the 

stars"

aaaaand for all you brave souls going through finals soon: May the odds be ever in your favor, we've fought the good fight. I'll see you on the other side. The side of summer. 

Straight Thugging it with East, and his manly croissants. 

Alex in Wonderland

Hello my lovelies, I'm sorry I've been gone so long! I just... I couldn't think of anything to write, the life of a college student is pretty mundane, but I did come back to Lufkin for the weekend, and lemme tell you. It's depressing. In college station, I feel like I'm alive, I feel like breathe again. Maybe because I'm never alone, I'm in class all day, and after class I'm usually studying with East. It's a nice distraction. It's nice to actually feel human. The other night I laughed harder than I have in months, probably since Lizzie died. And it felt so nice. All my friend did was talk like Beaker, and I swear to God it was the funniest thing I had seen in my entire life. Just being in Lufkin is what gets me down, I hate being alone, and I hate feeling alone. I don;t really have any friends that live here anymore, so when I'm back home it's just me. I know my mom is here, but she shuts herself in her room, and i've learned to do the same. We both shut ourselves away, and pretend we're okay. Put our sorrow on a shelf, and maybe if we don't look at it it will go away. It never does. I do the same thing in real life, I put something aside and I tell myself every day that I need to throw it away, I need to get rid of it, but it's still there, I see it ever single day.
I wish I could tell people like me that it gets better, and yeah, some days it does, but the sadness will always be there. Today I laid in bed and cried for absolutely no reason, I can't remember the last time I actually broke down and cried, but tonight I did. I wish I could place where the hell it came from, but I can't. Maybe just every stress and upsetting thing that I put on my little IKEA shelf, came crashing down.
I think my problem is feeling wanted, I KNOW I am wanted, by so many, but sometimes I get this ache in my chest where I second guess myself. Second guess my self worth. And it hurts when I think about her, which is alot on car rides. A song will come on that reminds me of her, and it rips open the wound of me missing her. Honestly I would trade my soul to get my sister back. I would give up anything to have her back with me, healthy and happy and hopeful. But I can't. I can't bring her back, and sometimes I give myself nightmares of me blaming myself, and trying to get her back. Then I wake up and realize that this is just month two. Does it get better?

Here's some pictures of my recent adventures
P.S. I have to write a short story for English, if anyone has any good ideas for Topics, that'd be incredibly helpful.

 Round up 2014

 My main bitch and forever workout buddy 

I'm no longer allowed to do East's hair. 

Love and other drugs

I recently watched Love and other drugs with my roommate, and it kinda hit on a sore note for me. Anyone who's sick can understand the pain... one of my best friends has type one diabetes, and we're kinda going through the same thing, and it's that we're scared. There is no cure for either of us, all there is is medicine to help us feel better, but in the long run we will always be sick. I think its a common trend among anyone who is chronically ill, but my problem, is that my brain is the problem. I don't have a visible disease, and there honestly is no way of explaining it to people without sounding completely crazy.

"Hey so I have this issue with my head, and it causes me to freak out about nothing and have panic attacks, and sometimes I get angry for no reason, or worse, sad for no reason. I cry a lot and I often have to call people and just sit on the phone and cry so I don't do something stupid, and I can't promise you anything. Being with me is HARD." 

I mean, I honestly don't blame anyone for not wanting to put up with that. It's a constant struggle. It's a struggle to be happy, and I honestly don't want to force anyone to have to deal with that. I'm lucky I have the friends that I have. They've always been there for every breakdown and every broken heart, I've worried them, and caused them to freak out solely based on the fact that I was freaking out.  That's why I started this blog in the first place... to write, to be heard and for anyone that's going through this, or anything like this, you aren't alone. I know it's kinda like the blind leading the blind, but that was actually one of my favorite things about being in the hospital, the feeling that you weren't alone. Everyone there had problems, and it was nice to let everything drop and laugh and cry together.

It's just a constant battle with knowing that I will never be fully there, I will never be fully okay. I will always be sick, and I really don't want ANYONE to have to deal with that. I don't want anyone to see me on the days that I can't get out of bed, the days where I'm hardly living. I've given up relationships, and even the possibility of relationships out of the fear of them seeing me like that. And honestly I would love to have someone that I could call up at 2am for food and movies, but it's just not an option for me.