Love and other drugs

I recently watched Love and other drugs with my roommate, and it kinda hit on a sore note for me. Anyone who's sick can understand the pain... one of my best friends has type one diabetes, and we're kinda going through the same thing, and it's that we're scared. There is no cure for either of us, all there is is medicine to help us feel better, but in the long run we will always be sick. I think its a common trend among anyone who is chronically ill, but my problem, is that my brain is the problem. I don't have a visible disease, and there honestly is no way of explaining it to people without sounding completely crazy.

"Hey so I have this issue with my head, and it causes me to freak out about nothing and have panic attacks, and sometimes I get angry for no reason, or worse, sad for no reason. I cry a lot and I often have to call people and just sit on the phone and cry so I don't do something stupid, and I can't promise you anything. Being with me is HARD." 

I mean, I honestly don't blame anyone for not wanting to put up with that. It's a constant struggle. It's a struggle to be happy, and I honestly don't want to force anyone to have to deal with that. I'm lucky I have the friends that I have. They've always been there for every breakdown and every broken heart, I've worried them, and caused them to freak out solely based on the fact that I was freaking out.  That's why I started this blog in the first place... to write, to be heard and for anyone that's going through this, or anything like this, you aren't alone. I know it's kinda like the blind leading the blind, but that was actually one of my favorite things about being in the hospital, the feeling that you weren't alone. Everyone there had problems, and it was nice to let everything drop and laugh and cry together.

It's just a constant battle with knowing that I will never be fully there, I will never be fully okay. I will always be sick, and I really don't want ANYONE to have to deal with that. I don't want anyone to see me on the days that I can't get out of bed, the days where I'm hardly living. I've given up relationships, and even the possibility of relationships out of the fear of them seeing me like that. And honestly I would love to have someone that I could call up at 2am for food and movies, but it's just not an option for me.

The Big "P"

We live in a rape culture, a a woman, I am told that I shouldn't go places alone at night, I shouldn't dress a certain way, act a certain way, and that I should always be on my guard, but why are we not teaching men that rape is wrong? Society is teaching our children not that people shouldn't rape others, but to present yourself in a way so YOU are not the one being raped. We like to place blame on the Porn industry, and music, but I honestly don't believe that that's the problem.

Porn isn't bad. You're not gross if you watch it, and you're definitely not gross if you masturbate. It's science and biological nature. I have watched porn before, everyone does it at least once in their lives (you're lying if you say you haven't), and society tells me, as a woman, that is wrong. But it isn't. I have such a respect for porn actresses and strippers. They are in charge of their lives, and they are empowered, not by embracing masculinity, but embracing femininity. Women are expected to embrace a masculine demeanor in order to be successful in todays world,  but then again we shame the women who do. And porn isn't the thing that is skewing societies perspective, it isn't degrading women. WOMEN ARE DEGRADING WOMEN. We like to blame the male dominated world, but in reality, a woman is more likely to put down another woman than a man, and I'm not excluding the douchebags out there who do degrade women, but the world tells me I should cover up, not have sex, be quiet, and be in style, and if you go against the pre-conceived ideal of who and what you should be, you're ostracized.

I personally do not fit into the neat little box set aside for women. I cut off all my hair, wear dark makeup, have tattoos and piercings, I cuss a lot, and I talk about sex and sexuality a lot more than deemed "lady like", but guess what? I have yet to meet a guy who has a problem with it. I am sarcastic and full of sass, and I have been deemed a whore by multiple people because of the fact that I'm so open about sex and sexuality. That's no ones business but my own. It is completely okay to be a woman who enjoys sex, its okay to have a lot of sex, its okay to never have sex.  The only thing that is NOT okay, is for you to feel like you're being pressured into something you're not ready for, or for someone to take advantage of you. I don't care if they're someone you've known for years, if ANYONE touches you and you don't want them to, punch them, and if they keep doing it, TELL SOMEONE OR CALL 911. No one has the right to make you feel like shit (and I mean that for everyone, regardless of your sex, gender, or sexuality)
I wish that this blog post could change the way the world is, I wish that I didn't have to fear for myself and carry around pepper spray. All I want is for everyone to believe that YOU are in charge of your body and your emotions, and it's about damn time you took charge.

I'm now declaring April as "Anyway you want it April" Take charge. Quit letting everyone else decide how to live your life. And KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS. Stay safe my cutie-patooties, and you know where to find me. (I don't care if you live in Alaska, if you need me to beat someone up, I got your back)

STAY FABULOUS 

Love

We live in a world under the impression that love has limits. In my short 18 years on this earth I've come to realize that giving away love never decreases the amount of love you have. I have had my heartbroken many times, and yes, it's made me more cautious about who I trust but it definitely hasn't stopped me from loving people.

I've fallen in love with strangers on the street, just today I passed a young man reading at a cafe, and in that instant I fell in love with him. No, I don't want to marry him, and I will never see him again, but sometimes you see people when they're engrossed in a book, or talking about something they're passionate about.  In that moment you get to see them, their naked soul, and it's completely okay to fall in love with them. It doesn't have to be a romantic or passionate love. ITS OKAY TO FALL IN LOVE. ITS OKAY TO LOVE IN GENERAL. IT'S OKAY TO LOVE MULTIPLE THINGS. 
You, my dear, are an individual with little control of the universe around you, but who you love and what you think you deserve is your decision, it belongs to no one else. Let the world see that.

Love has no limits, you aren't given a certain amount at birth and once you give all of that away then you're put of luck. Love and Happiness act the same way. The only way to have less of it is by keeping it to yourself. Sometimes life is a leap of faith, and you know what? If you fall, there's most likely going to be a party at the bottom, full of people similar to you who would love to be in your presence.

My lovely readers today's lesson sums up t be:
Love. But most importantly love yourself. love your naked soul, love who you are and if you're at a point in your life where you have no clue who you are, love the journey. Have a goodnight my princes and princesses.
-Much love,
Bea
p.s. If you want some love, you know where to find me

Lizzie

So I recently had to read a story for my english class, about a guy who lost his brother to cancer, and what many people didn't understand was how destructive you become after you lose someone you're close to. I personally became EXTREMELY self destructive. A couple days after Lizzie's funeral, I found myself sitting in a fountain crying and screaming. I wish I could say I got better when I went back to school, but I didn't. I was plagued with sleepless nights and horrible nightmares. And I can still feel the hallow ache in my chest where she use to be. I miss her laugh, and the way she smelt( I know that sounds creepy) I miss her always eyeing my mac and cheese (I haven't had mac and cheese once since she died) I self destructed. I started drinking heavily, and attempted to bury myself in work. in art. in SOMETHING. I tried to fill the void I felt with other people, anything to make myself feel less alone. But thats what I feel. alone. No one seems to know my pain, and yes. It kills me everyday to feel this way. I still go in her room, and stand in front of her closet just to run my fingers over he clothes. I twist the ring on my finger that she left me. I go through anything of hers that makes me feel like she's still alive. I don't know what I'm looking for, a magic spell maybe. Something to bring her back. I know the pain I feel will never truly fade, but sometimes I like to imagine her in some foreign country. alive and doing well, doing what she always wanted, and she's just been too busy to write.

Maybe I'll move to Central Texas with my mom and help her with her fruit stand.

Its been almost two months. And I still feel like I just saw her yesterday.

Stars and Galaxies

So I recently read something that made a lot of sense to me, it was "To me, suicide was never a point on the map, but a glowing exit sign at a show..." and it made me think, how many of us see suicide as a destination? I know I definitely did. I saw it as a time line, at the end of everyone's time line is death, immortality isn't possible,so everyone is going to die, and to me, suicide was just getting to the end faster. It was like hitting an emergency exit button on your life. I've always heard "We're all stories in the end, just make it a good one" (yes that is a Doctor Who quote), and if we're all stories then how boring will it be if at the end it simply said "and then they died. Died without fulfilling their potential, died without knowing how loved they were, before they left their mark." Do you want that to be the end of your story? "sixteen years old, and the world was such a god awful place that they couldn't handle it anymore" The world is awful, but I'd rather my story say "Tried to commit suicide twice, lived to tell her story, had her heart broken, was covered in scars and freckles, and changed peoples life" wouldn't that be a much better place if everyones' stories were like that? Not ending with a simple "They died" but a "and in the end of their long life, they left, nothing but a shade, only to be like a phenix, and be born again, in everyones mind as 'the one who survived'" So many people believe that they are nothing, I know I did, I thought I was one person against SEVEN BILLION, but my one little person has helped people, people have told me that my blog gives them hope. Me, a girl from lufkin, a freshman at a University of over 50,000 students, helping people, changing people for the better. How many people could I have helped if I killed myself 10 months ago? 6 months? I wouldn't have been able to hear my sisters last words to me ("Goodbye Beazer, I love you"), I wouldn't have been able to meet the AMAZING new people I've met in University. My story isn't finished, and neither is yours. The world will always be terrible, there will always be people who want nothing more than to see you cry, but theres so many things worth living for:
1) Wal-Mart's $5 movies
2) Puppies cuddling with you
3)dogs in general
4)taking off your socks at the end of the day
5) making someone laugh
There are SO many reasons that your story shouldn't end with a simple "they died". YOU are so much bigger, and greater than the things that get you sad.

"Stars have been born and died, and you, you my dear, are made up of that very star dust. Your bones and soul were forged in the Galaxies that everyone dreams about, but you are so much greater, you shine so much brighter. You are more than another person. YOU are THE person, the most important person to have ever lived, to have ever set foot on this planet, and you are so loved, forever by me."
-Alex Wallace. March 3, 2014

Emptiness

I know I should be writing or at least talking to someone, but I can't I have been engulfed by fear and some days I'm afraid it's so strong I'll stop being able to leave my own house. It's a different fear, different than my fear of bugs. It's stronger than that(and for those of you who know me, I'm pretty damn afraid of bugs) It's been keeping me up at night, and makes me feel like I'm boiling in my own skin. It's the fear of myself. The fear of giving in. The fear of what array of horrors my subconscious wants to bombard me with in my sleep, at least recently it has been the same nightmare, but I think it's the worst. It's of seeing Lizzie alive, and her being alive, and then having to watch her die again. Maybe because I feel like I never got the proper chance to be sad or to mourn. I had to go right back to school, and go to class, and put on a brave face. I am suppose to be brave, I'm the strong one, the one who tried to kill herself twice and is still here to help others like me, but I definitely don't feel strong. I go days with hardly any sleep just to keep myself from the nightmares, and honestly the only thing that gets me through the day sometimes is the thought of my dog, and the fact that no one will ever love him as much as I do. I am afraid of myself, and some days I think of sending myself back to the hospital, or just staying in bed, but then I would feel like a bigger disappointment than I already think I am. I am the child who came out and admitted that she loves both genders, the child that had to go to a psychiatric hospital, the child who stopped going to church because she felt God couldn't help her anymore. So I stay in my own personal Hell; I distance myself from people who love me so when the day comes, and it always does, that when I lose myself again they wont have to see it happen. And before anyone asks, yes, I have been taking all my proper medications, but nothing seems to numb the hollow ache in my chest.

I always feel selfish when I ask for this, but can you all keep me in your thoughts? And send me some love? If you don't want to thats okay too.
I love you all.

Perspective

I've recently had alot of time to think about friendships and relationships, mostly about friendships. Sometimes you'll meet people in your life and you think "yeah they're oaky" and kinda be on the fence about them until one day you look up and realize that they are some of the best friends you'll ever have. I have two friends that we've had MAJOR fall outs, but whenever my life falls to shit, they're usually the first people I talk to, and yeah, they've made shitty decisions, but who the fuck am I to judge? I've made some awful decisions in my life too, and mine are always worse because I rationalized them to myself that the choices I was making were okay. On the other hand, I've had people who promised to be with me forever, and six months down the road they stabbed me in the back. Life is all about perspective, and looking back I've made some terrible decisions. But I feel thats what life is about, thats what being a teenager is about, making stupid decisions so you can grow from them. I've tried to hold onto people who have said AWFUL things about me just because I loved them in the past, and i have this thing about wanting to feel wanted, and they made me feel that way, but you can't hold onto something just because at one point they made you feel special. Those good memories of them slowly become more and more bitter. I've loved two guys deeply and we had great memories together, but the only thing that comes to my mind now when I think of them is the train wreck we created trying to remain friends. Trust me, It's really not worth it. So for the next two weeks I want all of you to forget about the bullshit in your lives, and get rid of it. I'm aiming to rid myself of all the stressful people i've attempted to hold on to, and move on to bigger and better things. You're given one life on this Earth, do you really want to spend it hating it and being a big silly ball of stress? I didn't think so.

My Lovelies, Get rid of the assholes in your life and strive to live a freer less stressed life! It's like pulling off a bandaid, at first it sucks, and you may cry, but in the end it's worth it. I promise, and remember, if you're ever feeling lonely, you know where to find me. I will always be her for you with icecream, terrible jokes, and bad pickup lines, because I love you.