I know I should be writing or at least talking to someone, but I can't I have been engulfed by fear and some days I'm afraid it's so strong I'll stop being able to leave my own house. It's a different fear, different than my fear of bugs. It's stronger than that(and for those of you who know me, I'm pretty damn afraid of bugs) It's been keeping me up at night, and makes me feel like I'm boiling in my own skin. It's the fear of myself. The fear of giving in. The fear of what array of horrors my subconscious wants to bombard me with in my sleep, at least recently it has been the same nightmare, but I think it's the worst. It's of seeing Lizzie alive, and her being alive, and then having to watch her die again. Maybe because I feel like I never got the proper chance to be sad or to mourn. I had to go right back to school, and go to class, and put on a brave face. I am suppose to be brave, I'm the strong one, the one who tried to kill herself twice and is still here to help others like me, but I definitely don't feel strong. I go days with hardly any sleep just to keep myself from the nightmares, and honestly the only thing that gets me through the day sometimes is the thought of my dog, and the fact that no one will ever love him as much as I do. I am afraid of myself, and some days I think of sending myself back to the hospital, or just staying in bed, but then I would feel like a bigger disappointment than I already think I am. I am the child who came out and admitted that she loves both genders, the child that had to go to a psychiatric hospital, the child who stopped going to church because she felt God couldn't help her anymore. So I stay in my own personal Hell; I distance myself from people who love me so when the day comes, and it always does, that when I lose myself again they wont have to see it happen. And before anyone asks, yes, I have been taking all my proper medications, but nothing seems to numb the hollow ache in my chest.
I always feel selfish when I ask for this, but can you all keep me in your thoughts? And send me some love? If you don't want to thats okay too.
I love you all.
Lots of love and hugs for you sweety :-)
ReplyDeleteHello Granddaughter. I'm looking forward to you coming to Hunt this summer. As you know, bring your friends, The bunkhouse is all yours and you can put the canoe in for fun days on the Guadalupe and then a night at Criders and then Paw Paw's Banana Pancakes. Enjoy your Blog. Miss you. Paw Paw
ReplyDeleteEveryone's journey is different but sometimes we share the same path for a time. When my father died I had horrible reoccurring nightmares. We can talk about our journeys sometime. Keep sharing and know that you are loved much. If you are home for spring break holler at me. Love, love, love and kazoos :)
ReplyDeletethe ache in you heart is loss, the only thing that heals it is love and time. give yourself both. and in case you didn't know it, your are loved for exactly who you are.... warts and all. no change required. adrianne & mike.
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