Emptiness

I know I should be writing or at least talking to someone, but I can't I have been engulfed by fear and some days I'm afraid it's so strong I'll stop being able to leave my own house. It's a different fear, different than my fear of bugs. It's stronger than that(and for those of you who know me, I'm pretty damn afraid of bugs) It's been keeping me up at night, and makes me feel like I'm boiling in my own skin. It's the fear of myself. The fear of giving in. The fear of what array of horrors my subconscious wants to bombard me with in my sleep, at least recently it has been the same nightmare, but I think it's the worst. It's of seeing Lizzie alive, and her being alive, and then having to watch her die again. Maybe because I feel like I never got the proper chance to be sad or to mourn. I had to go right back to school, and go to class, and put on a brave face. I am suppose to be brave, I'm the strong one, the one who tried to kill herself twice and is still here to help others like me, but I definitely don't feel strong. I go days with hardly any sleep just to keep myself from the nightmares, and honestly the only thing that gets me through the day sometimes is the thought of my dog, and the fact that no one will ever love him as much as I do. I am afraid of myself, and some days I think of sending myself back to the hospital, or just staying in bed, but then I would feel like a bigger disappointment than I already think I am. I am the child who came out and admitted that she loves both genders, the child that had to go to a psychiatric hospital, the child who stopped going to church because she felt God couldn't help her anymore. So I stay in my own personal Hell; I distance myself from people who love me so when the day comes, and it always does, that when I lose myself again they wont have to see it happen. And before anyone asks, yes, I have been taking all my proper medications, but nothing seems to numb the hollow ache in my chest.

I always feel selfish when I ask for this, but can you all keep me in your thoughts? And send me some love? If you don't want to thats okay too.
I love you all.

Perspective

I've recently had alot of time to think about friendships and relationships, mostly about friendships. Sometimes you'll meet people in your life and you think "yeah they're oaky" and kinda be on the fence about them until one day you look up and realize that they are some of the best friends you'll ever have. I have two friends that we've had MAJOR fall outs, but whenever my life falls to shit, they're usually the first people I talk to, and yeah, they've made shitty decisions, but who the fuck am I to judge? I've made some awful decisions in my life too, and mine are always worse because I rationalized them to myself that the choices I was making were okay. On the other hand, I've had people who promised to be with me forever, and six months down the road they stabbed me in the back. Life is all about perspective, and looking back I've made some terrible decisions. But I feel thats what life is about, thats what being a teenager is about, making stupid decisions so you can grow from them. I've tried to hold onto people who have said AWFUL things about me just because I loved them in the past, and i have this thing about wanting to feel wanted, and they made me feel that way, but you can't hold onto something just because at one point they made you feel special. Those good memories of them slowly become more and more bitter. I've loved two guys deeply and we had great memories together, but the only thing that comes to my mind now when I think of them is the train wreck we created trying to remain friends. Trust me, It's really not worth it. So for the next two weeks I want all of you to forget about the bullshit in your lives, and get rid of it. I'm aiming to rid myself of all the stressful people i've attempted to hold on to, and move on to bigger and better things. You're given one life on this Earth, do you really want to spend it hating it and being a big silly ball of stress? I didn't think so.

My Lovelies, Get rid of the assholes in your life and strive to live a freer less stressed life! It's like pulling off a bandaid, at first it sucks, and you may cry, but in the end it's worth it. I promise, and remember, if you're ever feeling lonely, you know where to find me. I will always be her for you with icecream, terrible jokes, and bad pickup lines, because I love you. 

Sex and Sexuality

You might as well all know, I'm bisexual. I do not judge by gender, if I like the person, I like them. I have had crushes on females before, but unfortunately my affections were often not returned, which is why I've always dated men. Growing up in East Texas with a conservative southern baptist family is contradictory to my sexuality. Hell, I've been told that dating someone of a different race was explicably outlawed in the bible(there were no white people in the bible. It's the middle east), think of the backlash i would have received if I came out publicly before now. But here it is, I am bisexual. I have known for years, so it's definitely not a phase. I first came out this year, we were discussing sexuality in my anthropology class, and thats when i realized that there was really nothing wrong with who I am. I called my boyfriend at the time, and asked him if he'd ever date a girl who was bi, and he answered yes and then asked if there was something I needed to share with him. And I did. I have since informed 99% of my family, but its who I am, and who I will always be. There is nothing wrong with liking your own gender (I could go into a whole scientific tangent about the biology of that, but I'll spare you this time)

Now time for the fun part of todays post: SEX, the word that everyone cringes at, and pre-teens laugh about to their friends. Porn is literally the largest industry in the world. Sex and sexuality is shoved in our faces in every day life, so I think it's about time that people stop thinking its taboo. If you're alive (which I know you are if you're reading this) it's because your parents had sex, or you're a test tube baby, and then they still probably had sex anyways. In todays society it's okay for guys to have sex but not for girls? Then there's the wait until marriage thinking, and that branches off into a whole new tree of problems. I was in Girls of Grace, I went through the ceremony and got my ring and all that good stuff, but in retrospect I think it's kinda dumb. If the sex is bad, chances are your marriage is going to suck too. Intimacy is a GIANT part of marriage, and if you can't work that out, then there's going to be a whole bunch of existential questions about how great your marriage is. I'm not trying to be cynical( or give my older readers a heart attack) but this is pure science! Ladies, if they tell you that a guy isn't going to want you because you're "tainted" then well they're a shitty guy. You aren't tainted. you're not a perishable good, you're a fucking human being. My last two boyfriends weren't virgins, and guess what? I didn't care, I didn't see them as whores or sleazy, because it's simply human nature. As you get older the chances of you finding a "pure" man or woman are going to get slimmer and slimmer, wanna know why? because it's a social stigma put upon children that sex means you're a bad person, or that you're going to Hell. If you want to go out and get some coitus, then go! You go get some! JUST DONT BE STUPID. Like seriously, use your 7th grade sex-ed skills and be prepared. You know what I'm talking about.

So, My lovely readers, I'm sorry for any heart attacks or aneurisms caused by this post, and if you decide to stop reading my blog, then be my guest. I simply post my views on life (and biological truth) but whatevs.
uplifting quote: "Heaven called, and they said they're missing an angel. luckily I found it"

Body love

So in light of bikini season coming, i'd like to talk about everyones least favorite topic: your body. Body hatred isn't just a state of mind that effects women. I've met many guys who refuse to take off their shirts when they swim, and hide themselves under baggy t-shirts. People feel this way because at some point someone told you that you weren't beautiful they way you are. STOP LETTING SOMEONE ELSE DECIDE HOW YOU LOOK. I've been called too skinny and too fat, and trust me, both suck. I've thought about being anorexic when I was at my heaviest, but I didn't do it, because guess what? I fucking love food. Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels? Bullshit. Have you had cheesecake? Or fried rice? I can name a shit-ton of things that taste better than skinny feels. Wanna know the best weight to be at? your own. Everything tastes good when you're happy. Instead of letting some editor and a photoshopped actress tell you that you don't fit society's version of beautiful, think of those italicized words. I have scars, fat rolls, wrinkles, and blemishes, but they're MINE. I EARNED those. Every "imperfection" you believe you have was a reward for your kick-ass experiences in life. If someone loves you and you're standing naked in front of them, the last thing they're thinking is "gross. look at that stretch mark" they're thinking "holy shit. I'm so lucky, where do I put my mouth first?"It's people you'll never meet making you believe that you aren't perfect, you are perfect, and beautiful. Chances are the thing you hate about yourself is someones favorite thing about you. I've dated "bigger" guys, and NEVER did I once think that they were fat or ugly or "not worthy". I loved them, and thought they were the most handsome thing I had ever seen. You are beautiful to so many people, and mostly by me. So stop hating yourself and know that you are sexy and beautiful and perfect, and someone would be HONORED to look like you.

THIS is my body, I have fat rolls, scars, tattoos, and blemishes, but it's mine. My body is the effect of my decisions, and I'm damn proud to be me. Your body loves you, it's about time you started loving it back. 

Its okay to cry

So I can already tell I'm going to have a down week. My throat hurts and its super swollen, and I've been so tired lately. I honestly just want someone to lay on the couch with me and cuddle me like I'm a child. I don't mind being alone, i just don't like being lonely, I know I have Einstein, but he doesn't exactly talk back.
Also, I didn't take my anti-depressants while I was in Lufkin, and I cried in front of someone who definitely didn't deserve to see my tears. As much as I love being in University, it can get lonely sometimes. Night is when it gets the worst. I'm in a house by myself with nothing but my dog, my laptop, and my green tea. It's a lonely road I travel, and I go it alone. Ya'll should send me love :) please?
Anyways, It kinda sucks when you're basically told you'll never be enough, I've been told that so many times. There is always someone who shines brighter apparently. I'm a breeze compared to a Hurricane. I'm hard to love, I get that. I break down alot, and I get angry, but I feel that doesn't mean I shouldn't be loved. Being sad isn't something I can control, I do try, but I'm not very good at it. I know this isn't rock bottom. I've been at rock bottom, but it scares me that theres a level lower than this. I'm afraid that I will fall back again, and I'm suppose to be strong. I know I am strong, I'm alive, but sometimes I just become the scared little girl who just wants to curl up and cry. Holy Baloney this has been a sad post. MY LIFE.

please send me love this week :( 

Here's some T.Hiddles snake hips to make up for my sadness 

11 things people need to understand

So, there's always a bit of confusion when it comes to depression, so I'm going to straighten things out for you.
1)there's a difference between BEING depressed and FEELING depressed, one is a medical condition that requires medication and more often than not, extensive therapy, the other is an emotion, it comes and goes, emotions do that. There's absolutely nothing wrong with either of those.

2) Some days you are not physically able to get out of bed. It's just not possible, your blankets feel like a prison, and your body is made of lead. Theres no pin-pointing which days will be "bad" days and which will be "good" days. Its a coin toss. This is the hardest thing that I have to explain to people. Getting out of bed can be just as difficult as flying to Pluto for some people. Having depression sucks, and some days you will not physically be able to leave your house. Sometimes I'm proud of myself if I even take care of myself.

3) "just be happy" do not say this to anyone with depression ever. You know what, just don't say this to anyone. If someone is sad, they're sad for a reason, LEAVE IT ALONE. People with depression want to be happy, but it's a chemical imbalance in the brain. My dopamine receptors decided to nope the fuck out, and so my brain is all willy-nilly. I would love to wakeup every day and be happy I'm alive, but that isn't reality, some days i wake up and wish I was dead, and sometimes I still have SEVERE panic attacks. It's just how life works. So don't be a dick, and just roll with it

4) ITS REAL. For Gods sake people, it's 2014, not 1950. Mental disorders are real, not someone just being a ninny-muggins. So please quit pretending that what I feel is an "overreaction" I've been to 4 therapists, a mental hospital, and I visit a psychiatrist once a month, they all say the same thing, it's a disease, I can't change it. My brain is sick, it's like having ADD or Down Syndrome, its something that happens to people sometimes, and nothing can change it, you just have to accept it, and learn how to live with it. So don't make it harder on anyone by pretending that their disease isn't real.

5) Don't be a dick. Just don't. It doesn't matter if they have depression or not, be nice. You don't know how close to the edge they are.

6) Medication. You have to take it. It sucks, but it keeps you from killing yourself. Telling someone with depression to use "positive thinking" to get better is like telling someone with a broken leg to wish that their leg was healed. You can wish all you want but it isn't going to change a damn thing.

7) Self harm. . I have shoved needles under my skin, sliced my wrists, and burned myself. I did those things to make sure I was alive, sometimes you feel nothing, and you'd trade your soul to feel pain, and so you injure yourself and you still don't feel a damn thing. I have scars on my arms and legs, and at first I was afraid of people seeing them, but you know what? I'm alive. So what if they see what i've done, I'm still breathing. Don't make anyone feel bad about their scars, and don't point them out. "Yes, thank you, I do have scars on my wrist but its not your business, I am still beautiful." (please refer to number 5)

8) Suicide: I tried to kill myself twice. Each time by overdosing on medication, after my second attempt I checked myself into a mental hospital, and I spent a week there. It sucked and I hated it, and I'm trying my hardest to not go back. Don't joke about suicide. do not tell someone to go kill themselves. DONT BE A DICK TO PEOPLE. Me trying to kill myself had nothing to do with my family or how I was raised. My brain told me being dead is less painful then being alive, so I tried to kill myself. Some people show signs of depression and suicide, some don't. My mother thought I was just moody, and that isn't her fault. How could she have known? Just be there for your friends.

9) It's hard. Every day is hard, it's hard knowing you'll never be "normal" and I've had some people in my family make me feel awful for how I am, but I cant change it. It's hard to talk to people, It's hard to be social, it's hard to go out and do things, and its REALLY REALLY hard trying to convince yourself that you are loved sometimes (You are. All the time, every single second of every single day by so many people. but your brain is a dick). You depend on medication and pure will power, and you feel like a ticking bomb with a faulty timer. You never know when you're going to be set off.

10) finding religion isn't always the answer.

11) Triggers are bad. very very bad. They're what sets you off. I had to write a list of possible triggers. I wrote down 100 things, and then gave up. Thats 100 things that I have absolutely NO control over that can at any point in time send me into crazy bitch mode (sorry if you've ever been on the receiving end of that). What sucks is you explode, then have to do damage control. Ive said awful things to people that I didn't mean, and i've lost friends and relationships because of it. BUT YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER IT. Its like PMS 24/7/365. I've been called names and my brain was like "yo bruh, thats cool. whatevs" and then one time someone said that I could be dramatic sometimes and my brain went into full fledged meltdown mode. You cant change it, and you have to deal with it and have some SERIOUS self control and patience (I have neither). Be patient. I know being around me is like walking on eggshells, trust me; I am very fully aware, and I hate it. But yelling and getting upset at someone in meltdown mode just makes it worse. The only extremely safe course of action is to get them to a safe place, sit them down, look them in the eyes and say " I love you, and I'm doing this for your own safety" then walk away, and wait for them to wear themselves out(or calm down)

Depression is hard and it sucks. Like hard core. You blame yourself for everything, and hate everyone. You're basically a human grumpy cat, but you will survive it. I am. Every day i give myself a mental pat on the back for mundane accomplishments like getting out of bed, but it really helps. There are days where you want to die, and there are days when you sit outside just because the sun feels nice on your skin. If you have depression, or know anyone that does, accept and love them. Thats it. Hell, depression or not accept and love everyone ( I suck at that but i'm working on it). You know my facebook, so talk to me anytime you want, if you want.
remember my perfect beautiful readers:
"smile...because I love you"

What college is really like

     Lets talk about college for a minute, everyones experiences are different, so don't go in expecting anything. I went to college thinking I could forget about all the shit in my past, but that stuff will follow you anywhere if you let it. DROP THE DRAMA. like seriously, trying to be BFFS with someone who's dealing with a whole different set of problems and experiences than you is hard. I'm only friends with a handful of people who are still in high school (yes TJ, I'm talking about you), and sometimes it works. sometimes it doesn't don't force anything. If you have to force it, it's probably a shitty friendship in the first place
sex: some people have a bunch of sex in college, I do not. But if thats what you want to do, by all means go for it, and do not let anyone, ANYONE make you feel bad about it. You are a grown individual making your own decisions(and mistakes sometimes). If you're happy having sex, then go you! You get some.
food: You will not eat anything healthy. ever. 24/7 taco places will become your best friend, and Oreos and ice cream is always a GREAT idea for dinner
drinking: I went in saying "I'm never going to drink or party!" well. fuck that. I go to parties just about every weekend, and I have a good time, just know your limits and under no circumstances let anyone make a drink for you. just don't do it. Also if you drink and drive you are stupid and I'm judging you
studying/sleep: the one thing that is true for every college experience. You get to pick one (and for heavens sake DO NOT sign up for an 8am class. just don't do it)
personal hygiene/ appearance: the laws of showering/ brushing your hair do not exist. Ive gone 2 days without showering and a week without washing my hair. seriously no one cares if you look like shit. Also, if you see girls who look cute every day then they are obviously magical and you may be jealous from a distance. I thought i'd never do the 'yoga pants/ UGG boot' combo. Its comfortable, like. seriously. Comfort always comes before fashion in college. You pay $40,000 to become a zombie, so you might as well be comfortable during it. If ANYONE tells you that you look ugly, or any insult, punch them. straight in the face. YOU ARE A SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE AND THEY DONT DESERVE TO LOOK UPON YOUR BEAUTY. 
relationships: I am awful at advice. Cosmo gives better relationship advice than me. sorry. May the odds be ever in your favor? (oh, and if a boy calls you weird for making a Harry Potter reference, they aren't the guy for you)
Professors: sometimes they're good, sometimes not. Sometimes they refuse to say the word "penis", and sometimes they talk about sex and motherfuckers in class (I'm not kidding. It's a poetry class, i don't know how it coms up) but either way they get paid to be there, and you're the one paying them. so suck it up. Oh, and if you can't understand a word your professor is saying, drop the class, you will not understand anything, so what's the point of being there if you aren't learning?

This has been a super long post, sorry about that, there's more to college than what you see on TV, but it's worth it. I love college, I love living on my own. But it also gets lonely, I miss my family a lot, and if you want to visit them back home(or have them visit you) do it. They're your family, they're there to support you(and you usually get free food out of it). Keep your chins up my darlings! (I have no inspirational quote for today. I'm sorry)

Valentines Day

So i started off this Valentines day like most single people, incredibly bitter, I saw all these happy couples and flowers and gifts and i was struck by a twang of jealousy. I don't really have a good track record with Valentines day, so that didn't exactly help, Then i started to think, what exactly is Valentines day? I mean, the original Valentines day was about a guy who got executed for performing weddings for soldiers. I get that love aspect, but priests kinda did that, they marry people its part of the job description. How did it become this?

I guess thats enough of my existential questions; back to my bitterness. Many of my good friends are in relationships (or hopelessly in love with someone who doesn't love them back), and they're happy abut valentines day, because you know, they have someone to share it with. Then as my morning progressed, I put on some classic rock and kinda just enjoyed the beautiful day it is today, I mean im single every other 364 days of the year, why is this one day so different? because its shoved in your face? well every other day it is too; movies, books, magazines. Its all "blah blah and blah are engaged" "get a significant other now using these simple steps!!) so, today really isnt that different from any other singlypringly day.

You don't have to have a boyfriend/girlfriend/civil partner/wife/husband/insert romantic interest, to have valentines day. Lots of people love you. like a bunch. Even if you dont think so, i have so many friends and family that love me, and i love them, so I stopped being bitter and realized that I have so many people to love and be thankful that I have in my life. Hell, if you dont think anyone loves you, hit me up on facebook (Alex Wallace from Lufkin,Texas) and i'll be your valentine. I'll message you chessy poetry and cute pictures. Be everyones Valentine love every single person every day, you don't know what people are going through, so show the love every day, not just on Valentines day.
and remember....
'you, yeah you. I see you, thinking you aren't pretty or handsome, thinking you aren't loved, well guess what DAYUM SON YOU IS SEXAHHHH and I love you. I may be the Lonely Bea, but I love you, and im on your side. smile and let the world see how badass you are'

The intro

I guess I should formally introduce myself. I am Captain Alex, most fearsome pirate since Blackbeard. I'm in college and I pretty much do what most college kids do. eat. The say writing helps with traumatic experiences, so here I am. hopefully writing myself to a simpler state of mind(or at least a more peaceful)

I grew up normally(at least I think I did) mom, dad, and my big sister, my parents got divorced, and my mom married a new man, and I got another sister, which was pretty fabulous if you ask me. But three years ago, my sister, Lizzie, was diagnosed with stage four liver cancer. It was a rough three years, and she passed away, which is traumatic enough, but it gets a wee bit harder when youre diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. I refuse to talk to anyone about it, so I will just share my feelings with the world wide web(what's Facebook for anyways?!!?!)

This blog isnt about everyone hearing my sob story, its to hopefully bring me, and anyone else like me, to a better state of living. I sometimes have funny stories, so just stick with me, and I can at least make you laugh. I don't really know what else to tell you about me. I guess we'll get there when we get there, so have a good night my lovely readers(if i have any), i bid you goodbye until next time. but always remember....

"you is hella cute
  you is hella fine"