Questions

Religion hasn't always been my strong suit, I went to church as a child only because I was told to, I was told that's what you're suppose to do, but sometime between middle school and high school, I stopped going. It started with me not going to Wednesday night church every night, then no Wednesday night church at all, and then I just stopped going.
As I've gotten older, and have had to live through the slow and painful decay of my sister (and frankly, of my sanity) I began to question God. I questioned why people who claim to love him are complete and total hypocrites. It's my belief that you can't be an ass in everyday life, but on Sunday you're nothing less of saintly. It's my belief that my relationship with the man upstairs is something personal, I don't need a middle man telling me things I don't believe in. I also believe The Bible, while it was relevant some thousands of years ago, is highly outdated, and it's been translated back and forth between so many versions and languages, that it makes me wonder how much of the original book is left.
I've been told that I'm going to Hell, I've been told that because of the way I have chosen to live my life, my sexuality, my piercings, my tattoo, and because I enjoy the comfort of yoga pants. Which brings me to my next point, Hell is believed to be brimstone and fire, but what if each persons hell is different? I'm personally TERRIFIED of June Bugs, my Hell would be me surrounded by them with no escape. I feel the same way about Heaven, everyone has a different Heaven; I see it as a really big house where everyone has their own rooms, but can travel between them to visit friends.

I'm honestly not trying to upset anyone by writing this, it's just my personal belief, but I just don't understand how people can question the government and they're called revolutionaries, but put the man in charge in a suit with a bible, and anyone who questions him is Satan. I'm not saying I'm right, I'm not saying anyone else is wrong, the first rule of Christianity is to not be a dick, love and accept people as they are. There's a whole part of "turning the other cheek" thing in the Bible. If you want to believe in The Flying Spaghetti Monster, you do you Bubu, just don't think I'm bashing on your religion when I ask about it, I'm honestly just curious and want to know more. Just like you can be christian or jewish or whatever, but mix in some hindu meditation.

I identify as Christian, that's it, no denomination, just Christian, but I also believe in the supernatural and that people can communicate with the other side. Hell, I believe that the moon cycles play a very important role in our everyday life. I have a friend who thinks he's clairvoyant, and when he told me I gave him suggestions of how he can find out if it's true or not. I believe in science, and that most things do have a scientific answer, but on the other hand I believe in some things that people would consider Wiccan.

Just live your life, and be whatever you want to be. Oh, and if someone makes fun of you or makes you feel bad for whatever you believe, like, ect. punch them. right in the face.

The struggles of Art

Since coming to San Antonio, I've been blessed with copious amounts of free time, and some not so great wifi, so I've been drawing alot, and it got me thinking of all the awkward questions I have to ask people, the weird favors I have to pull, and most of all the weird things I search on the internet. I'm 90% sure that I'm on some government watch list now due to all the pictures and information I look up.

Just the other day I had to ask one of my friends if I could take pictures of him so I could practice drawing male muscle structures. I'm already awkward about that kind of thing and him having NO idea what I was talking about didn't make it easier. I mean, in the end it all worked out, but it still was a very awkward conversation.

The sad part is, that's not even the weirdest thing I've had to ask my friends, I've had to ask one of my friends to look like they were choking me so I could have a reference photo, I've asked to take pictures of knee caps, hands, faces, and asked general weird and personal questions about their bodies. I mean, usually I can use myself as a reference, but 1) I'm not a dude, so I can't really do that for when I'm working on males and 2) It's kinda boring to draw the same body type over and over again. Luckily I have some pretty understanding friends, and some of them actually get really excited when I ask them to "model" for me. I'm definitely blessed that my friends and family are VERY supportive of my art, and of me in general.

One thing that does really concern me is my hand tremors, they're unfortunately a side effect of all of the medications that I'm on and I usually can keep them under control with eating right, but the other night they shook so badly I couldn't hold my phone, much less a pencil, I'm not going to lie, I cried. Art is the only thing I've ever wanted to do, and the only thing I've fallen in love with (besides books). I threw myself into hysterics, how could I be an artist and make art for a living if I can't use my hands? It's definitely something that I'm going to have to manage and try to work past.

But anyways, sorry I haven't been posting, but I still love all of you! and I'm here. And even if you don't think you're an artist, you can draw me a picture of stick people and I will still think it's beautiful.

bi like a bicycle

As many of you know, I came out as bisexual this year, well i guess last year technically, it was in 2013, and for me finally opening up about my sexuality, I sure do get alot of shit about it. People always question it, like all the time. Literally the first thing I hear is "how do you really know if you've never had sex?" Here's how I know, I'm attracted to women. Simple as that. I don't live "the best of both worlds" I live in a world where people think I'm going through a phase, where I don't fit neatly into a single category, a world where I'm expected to be one or the other.

I'm so tired of hearing "why do you like women when you have such nice boys around?" I hear that from my own damn family, and no, I don't expect conservative East Texas Southern Baptists to understand that I'm allowed to love whomever I want, that I'm allowed to live my own life. Just because I'm in a relationship with a man doesn't mean I'm straight, Just because I'm in a relationship with a woman doesn't mean I'm a lesbian. LIfe isn't black and white, it's 50 shades of gray.

I may grow up and marry a man, I may grow up and marry a woman, but guess what? That's okay. It is so okay. Because they will be someone who loves me and cares for me passionately. God made wen and women, why not enjoy both? I am more than my sexuality. I'm up front about it to everyone I go on dates with, and if they can't accept that, then they don't deserve me. But out of all the dates I've been on this year, that has been like 2 people that have had a problem with it. How can strangers accept me, but own family can't?

I am smart. I am beautiful. I am so many things. and I am bisexual, but that doesn't define me, it's a part of me, and it's about time people, especially members of my own family, accepted that. Have all of me or have none of me.

"Life is hard, it's all about road blocks and set backs, but it's so worth living, every single moment is, every man woman and child is worth living for. Life sucks sometimes and People will hurt you and take advantage of you, but at the end of the day, love who you are. Life is worth it, love is worth it, and it's about time we realized that" 

Decision

LIfe presents us with decisions every day, some simple, some not so much, and it's our job to make those decisions, and sometimes we fuck up, but you know what? That's okay. You can screw up one time or a million times, and guess what? That doesn't make you a fuck-up, that doesn't make you any less important than you are, doesn't make you any less loved.

We fear disappointment, from others, but most of all from ourselves. I've slipped so many times, and there's no one I disappointed more than myself. I mess up in a class or I start having dark thoughts again, and I become so angry with myself, I'm beyond that. I'm smart, I'm so smart, and I'm strong, and you know what? I'm needed. Sometimes I forget that, I forget about how needed I am, and then I look at Einstein, and I remember that he needs me more than anything. I'm his whole life, and the thought of leaving him, of hurting him like his previous owners did, reminds me that no matter how insignificant I feel, there will always be someone who needs me, there will always be someone who wants to be in my presence, wants to hang out with me, to see me smile and laugh, and most important, for me to love them. 

There is something I need to work on, and that's knowing that I don't have to be strong all the time. I don't have to pretend to be okay. I know that people need me, they need me to be strong and show that I can get through this, but sometimes I think they forget that I lost my best friend. The day of her funeral so many people came up to me and told me "You need to be strong, you need to take care of [insert name here]" and that kinda messed me up. Wasn't I suppose to be the wreck? Wasn't I suppose to be the one who needed to be taken care of? Everyone told me to be strong and so that's what I did. I put my sister on a shelf, and only take her down when I'm drunk.

I've worked so hard to be someone that people are proud of, to be someone that people can look up to and know that when it goes tits up, I'll still be there, and I will. But I'm making a decision right now, no more fake strength, no more keeping people I love at an arms distance away. I've learned if you don't let anyone in, then they can't hurt you, but how long can someone live that way? Keeping everything inside? So this is my decision, I've decided to live my life.

"of course I make mistakes. I'm human, If I didn't make mistakes, I'd never learn. You can only go forward by making mistakes." 

-Alexander McQueen

P.S. please pray for me as I finish my last two finals. 

   Me and My best-friend , Cake 

Fun at Boot dance! 

So glad I got to go to boot dance with my handsome date, I'm so proud of him. 

Pins and Needles

They increased my medicine again, and added a new one, to help me concentrate and get through finals. They have their ups and downs, of course there's some shitty side effects. I'm thirsty all the time now, which isn't bad, but holy crap do I drink alot of water now, and the medicine to help me concentrate makes me fall asleep. It's like having clear thoughts for a couple hours, and then you crash. I took some this morning for my math test, and afterwards I got home and took a two hour nap. I have been bruising pretty badly lately, like everything bruises me, I'm not too sure if I should be worried or not, but my legs are bruised from the knees down. Its REALLY attractive.

I also started therapy monday, and I'll see her every two weeks or so, so far it's gone well. Better than the last two thats for sure. I can tell her things that I'm too afraid to write on here (yes, there are things in this world that I'd rather the world wide web not know, hold your gasps). I hope it works out though, I'm hopeful. She thinks in the long run I could possibly be taken off medicine, have less panic attacks, and actually feel normal, which would be wonderful.

I've developed a fear of sleeping alone, I guess it stems from my fear of being alone. I tend to do stupid things when I'm by myself, so I take precautions, I'm hardly ever alone, which makes me feel really bad for Einstein, since he's by himself most the time. I think it's understandable though, I like the company of other people, I like to watch the world live on around me.

On a happier note, East and I went ice skating last week, and I had a really good time, it took me a bit to get the hang of it, but I eventually did pretty well, I did fall pretty badly and bruised my butt. I quit after that. but I did have a good time. Then I got to see my family for Easter, and that was WONDERFUL I love seeing them, I love being able to spend time with them, and show them my life here.

It's time for me to call it a night, my beautiful readers:

"you look like the universe decided it was being tired of being so immense 

so it compressed all of its beauty and complexity and wonder

into a smaller form so it could make everyone around you feel like they 

were a part of the 

stars"

aaaaand for all you brave souls going through finals soon: May the odds be ever in your favor, we've fought the good fight. I'll see you on the other side. The side of summer. 

Straight Thugging it with East, and his manly croissants. 

Alex in Wonderland

Hello my lovelies, I'm sorry I've been gone so long! I just... I couldn't think of anything to write, the life of a college student is pretty mundane, but I did come back to Lufkin for the weekend, and lemme tell you. It's depressing. In college station, I feel like I'm alive, I feel like breathe again. Maybe because I'm never alone, I'm in class all day, and after class I'm usually studying with East. It's a nice distraction. It's nice to actually feel human. The other night I laughed harder than I have in months, probably since Lizzie died. And it felt so nice. All my friend did was talk like Beaker, and I swear to God it was the funniest thing I had seen in my entire life. Just being in Lufkin is what gets me down, I hate being alone, and I hate feeling alone. I don;t really have any friends that live here anymore, so when I'm back home it's just me. I know my mom is here, but she shuts herself in her room, and i've learned to do the same. We both shut ourselves away, and pretend we're okay. Put our sorrow on a shelf, and maybe if we don't look at it it will go away. It never does. I do the same thing in real life, I put something aside and I tell myself every day that I need to throw it away, I need to get rid of it, but it's still there, I see it ever single day.
I wish I could tell people like me that it gets better, and yeah, some days it does, but the sadness will always be there. Today I laid in bed and cried for absolutely no reason, I can't remember the last time I actually broke down and cried, but tonight I did. I wish I could place where the hell it came from, but I can't. Maybe just every stress and upsetting thing that I put on my little IKEA shelf, came crashing down.
I think my problem is feeling wanted, I KNOW I am wanted, by so many, but sometimes I get this ache in my chest where I second guess myself. Second guess my self worth. And it hurts when I think about her, which is alot on car rides. A song will come on that reminds me of her, and it rips open the wound of me missing her. Honestly I would trade my soul to get my sister back. I would give up anything to have her back with me, healthy and happy and hopeful. But I can't. I can't bring her back, and sometimes I give myself nightmares of me blaming myself, and trying to get her back. Then I wake up and realize that this is just month two. Does it get better?

Here's some pictures of my recent adventures
P.S. I have to write a short story for English, if anyone has any good ideas for Topics, that'd be incredibly helpful.

 Round up 2014

 My main bitch and forever workout buddy 

I'm no longer allowed to do East's hair. 

Love and other drugs

I recently watched Love and other drugs with my roommate, and it kinda hit on a sore note for me. Anyone who's sick can understand the pain... one of my best friends has type one diabetes, and we're kinda going through the same thing, and it's that we're scared. There is no cure for either of us, all there is is medicine to help us feel better, but in the long run we will always be sick. I think its a common trend among anyone who is chronically ill, but my problem, is that my brain is the problem. I don't have a visible disease, and there honestly is no way of explaining it to people without sounding completely crazy.

"Hey so I have this issue with my head, and it causes me to freak out about nothing and have panic attacks, and sometimes I get angry for no reason, or worse, sad for no reason. I cry a lot and I often have to call people and just sit on the phone and cry so I don't do something stupid, and I can't promise you anything. Being with me is HARD." 

I mean, I honestly don't blame anyone for not wanting to put up with that. It's a constant struggle. It's a struggle to be happy, and I honestly don't want to force anyone to have to deal with that. I'm lucky I have the friends that I have. They've always been there for every breakdown and every broken heart, I've worried them, and caused them to freak out solely based on the fact that I was freaking out.  That's why I started this blog in the first place... to write, to be heard and for anyone that's going through this, or anything like this, you aren't alone. I know it's kinda like the blind leading the blind, but that was actually one of my favorite things about being in the hospital, the feeling that you weren't alone. Everyone there had problems, and it was nice to let everything drop and laugh and cry together.

It's just a constant battle with knowing that I will never be fully there, I will never be fully okay. I will always be sick, and I really don't want ANYONE to have to deal with that. I don't want anyone to see me on the days that I can't get out of bed, the days where I'm hardly living. I've given up relationships, and even the possibility of relationships out of the fear of them seeing me like that. And honestly I would love to have someone that I could call up at 2am for food and movies, but it's just not an option for me.

The Big "P"

We live in a rape culture, a a woman, I am told that I shouldn't go places alone at night, I shouldn't dress a certain way, act a certain way, and that I should always be on my guard, but why are we not teaching men that rape is wrong? Society is teaching our children not that people shouldn't rape others, but to present yourself in a way so YOU are not the one being raped. We like to place blame on the Porn industry, and music, but I honestly don't believe that that's the problem.

Porn isn't bad. You're not gross if you watch it, and you're definitely not gross if you masturbate. It's science and biological nature. I have watched porn before, everyone does it at least once in their lives (you're lying if you say you haven't), and society tells me, as a woman, that is wrong. But it isn't. I have such a respect for porn actresses and strippers. They are in charge of their lives, and they are empowered, not by embracing masculinity, but embracing femininity. Women are expected to embrace a masculine demeanor in order to be successful in todays world,  but then again we shame the women who do. And porn isn't the thing that is skewing societies perspective, it isn't degrading women. WOMEN ARE DEGRADING WOMEN. We like to blame the male dominated world, but in reality, a woman is more likely to put down another woman than a man, and I'm not excluding the douchebags out there who do degrade women, but the world tells me I should cover up, not have sex, be quiet, and be in style, and if you go against the pre-conceived ideal of who and what you should be, you're ostracized.

I personally do not fit into the neat little box set aside for women. I cut off all my hair, wear dark makeup, have tattoos and piercings, I cuss a lot, and I talk about sex and sexuality a lot more than deemed "lady like", but guess what? I have yet to meet a guy who has a problem with it. I am sarcastic and full of sass, and I have been deemed a whore by multiple people because of the fact that I'm so open about sex and sexuality. That's no ones business but my own. It is completely okay to be a woman who enjoys sex, its okay to have a lot of sex, its okay to never have sex.  The only thing that is NOT okay, is for you to feel like you're being pressured into something you're not ready for, or for someone to take advantage of you. I don't care if they're someone you've known for years, if ANYONE touches you and you don't want them to, punch them, and if they keep doing it, TELL SOMEONE OR CALL 911. No one has the right to make you feel like shit (and I mean that for everyone, regardless of your sex, gender, or sexuality)
I wish that this blog post could change the way the world is, I wish that I didn't have to fear for myself and carry around pepper spray. All I want is for everyone to believe that YOU are in charge of your body and your emotions, and it's about damn time you took charge.

I'm now declaring April as "Anyway you want it April" Take charge. Quit letting everyone else decide how to live your life. And KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS. Stay safe my cutie-patooties, and you know where to find me. (I don't care if you live in Alaska, if you need me to beat someone up, I got your back)

STAY FABULOUS 

Love

We live in a world under the impression that love has limits. In my short 18 years on this earth I've come to realize that giving away love never decreases the amount of love you have. I have had my heartbroken many times, and yes, it's made me more cautious about who I trust but it definitely hasn't stopped me from loving people.

I've fallen in love with strangers on the street, just today I passed a young man reading at a cafe, and in that instant I fell in love with him. No, I don't want to marry him, and I will never see him again, but sometimes you see people when they're engrossed in a book, or talking about something they're passionate about.  In that moment you get to see them, their naked soul, and it's completely okay to fall in love with them. It doesn't have to be a romantic or passionate love. ITS OKAY TO FALL IN LOVE. ITS OKAY TO LOVE IN GENERAL. IT'S OKAY TO LOVE MULTIPLE THINGS. 
You, my dear, are an individual with little control of the universe around you, but who you love and what you think you deserve is your decision, it belongs to no one else. Let the world see that.

Love has no limits, you aren't given a certain amount at birth and once you give all of that away then you're put of luck. Love and Happiness act the same way. The only way to have less of it is by keeping it to yourself. Sometimes life is a leap of faith, and you know what? If you fall, there's most likely going to be a party at the bottom, full of people similar to you who would love to be in your presence.

My lovely readers today's lesson sums up t be:
Love. But most importantly love yourself. love your naked soul, love who you are and if you're at a point in your life where you have no clue who you are, love the journey. Have a goodnight my princes and princesses.
-Much love,
Bea
p.s. If you want some love, you know where to find me

Lizzie

So I recently had to read a story for my english class, about a guy who lost his brother to cancer, and what many people didn't understand was how destructive you become after you lose someone you're close to. I personally became EXTREMELY self destructive. A couple days after Lizzie's funeral, I found myself sitting in a fountain crying and screaming. I wish I could say I got better when I went back to school, but I didn't. I was plagued with sleepless nights and horrible nightmares. And I can still feel the hallow ache in my chest where she use to be. I miss her laugh, and the way she smelt( I know that sounds creepy) I miss her always eyeing my mac and cheese (I haven't had mac and cheese once since she died) I self destructed. I started drinking heavily, and attempted to bury myself in work. in art. in SOMETHING. I tried to fill the void I felt with other people, anything to make myself feel less alone. But thats what I feel. alone. No one seems to know my pain, and yes. It kills me everyday to feel this way. I still go in her room, and stand in front of her closet just to run my fingers over he clothes. I twist the ring on my finger that she left me. I go through anything of hers that makes me feel like she's still alive. I don't know what I'm looking for, a magic spell maybe. Something to bring her back. I know the pain I feel will never truly fade, but sometimes I like to imagine her in some foreign country. alive and doing well, doing what she always wanted, and she's just been too busy to write.

Maybe I'll move to Central Texas with my mom and help her with her fruit stand.

Its been almost two months. And I still feel like I just saw her yesterday.

Stars and Galaxies

So I recently read something that made a lot of sense to me, it was "To me, suicide was never a point on the map, but a glowing exit sign at a show..." and it made me think, how many of us see suicide as a destination? I know I definitely did. I saw it as a time line, at the end of everyone's time line is death, immortality isn't possible,so everyone is going to die, and to me, suicide was just getting to the end faster. It was like hitting an emergency exit button on your life. I've always heard "We're all stories in the end, just make it a good one" (yes that is a Doctor Who quote), and if we're all stories then how boring will it be if at the end it simply said "and then they died. Died without fulfilling their potential, died without knowing how loved they were, before they left their mark." Do you want that to be the end of your story? "sixteen years old, and the world was such a god awful place that they couldn't handle it anymore" The world is awful, but I'd rather my story say "Tried to commit suicide twice, lived to tell her story, had her heart broken, was covered in scars and freckles, and changed peoples life" wouldn't that be a much better place if everyones' stories were like that? Not ending with a simple "They died" but a "and in the end of their long life, they left, nothing but a shade, only to be like a phenix, and be born again, in everyones mind as 'the one who survived'" So many people believe that they are nothing, I know I did, I thought I was one person against SEVEN BILLION, but my one little person has helped people, people have told me that my blog gives them hope. Me, a girl from lufkin, a freshman at a University of over 50,000 students, helping people, changing people for the better. How many people could I have helped if I killed myself 10 months ago? 6 months? I wouldn't have been able to hear my sisters last words to me ("Goodbye Beazer, I love you"), I wouldn't have been able to meet the AMAZING new people I've met in University. My story isn't finished, and neither is yours. The world will always be terrible, there will always be people who want nothing more than to see you cry, but theres so many things worth living for:
1) Wal-Mart's $5 movies
2) Puppies cuddling with you
3)dogs in general
4)taking off your socks at the end of the day
5) making someone laugh
There are SO many reasons that your story shouldn't end with a simple "they died". YOU are so much bigger, and greater than the things that get you sad.

"Stars have been born and died, and you, you my dear, are made up of that very star dust. Your bones and soul were forged in the Galaxies that everyone dreams about, but you are so much greater, you shine so much brighter. You are more than another person. YOU are THE person, the most important person to have ever lived, to have ever set foot on this planet, and you are so loved, forever by me."
-Alex Wallace. March 3, 2014

Emptiness

I know I should be writing or at least talking to someone, but I can't I have been engulfed by fear and some days I'm afraid it's so strong I'll stop being able to leave my own house. It's a different fear, different than my fear of bugs. It's stronger than that(and for those of you who know me, I'm pretty damn afraid of bugs) It's been keeping me up at night, and makes me feel like I'm boiling in my own skin. It's the fear of myself. The fear of giving in. The fear of what array of horrors my subconscious wants to bombard me with in my sleep, at least recently it has been the same nightmare, but I think it's the worst. It's of seeing Lizzie alive, and her being alive, and then having to watch her die again. Maybe because I feel like I never got the proper chance to be sad or to mourn. I had to go right back to school, and go to class, and put on a brave face. I am suppose to be brave, I'm the strong one, the one who tried to kill herself twice and is still here to help others like me, but I definitely don't feel strong. I go days with hardly any sleep just to keep myself from the nightmares, and honestly the only thing that gets me through the day sometimes is the thought of my dog, and the fact that no one will ever love him as much as I do. I am afraid of myself, and some days I think of sending myself back to the hospital, or just staying in bed, but then I would feel like a bigger disappointment than I already think I am. I am the child who came out and admitted that she loves both genders, the child that had to go to a psychiatric hospital, the child who stopped going to church because she felt God couldn't help her anymore. So I stay in my own personal Hell; I distance myself from people who love me so when the day comes, and it always does, that when I lose myself again they wont have to see it happen. And before anyone asks, yes, I have been taking all my proper medications, but nothing seems to numb the hollow ache in my chest.

I always feel selfish when I ask for this, but can you all keep me in your thoughts? And send me some love? If you don't want to thats okay too.
I love you all.

Perspective

I've recently had alot of time to think about friendships and relationships, mostly about friendships. Sometimes you'll meet people in your life and you think "yeah they're oaky" and kinda be on the fence about them until one day you look up and realize that they are some of the best friends you'll ever have. I have two friends that we've had MAJOR fall outs, but whenever my life falls to shit, they're usually the first people I talk to, and yeah, they've made shitty decisions, but who the fuck am I to judge? I've made some awful decisions in my life too, and mine are always worse because I rationalized them to myself that the choices I was making were okay. On the other hand, I've had people who promised to be with me forever, and six months down the road they stabbed me in the back. Life is all about perspective, and looking back I've made some terrible decisions. But I feel thats what life is about, thats what being a teenager is about, making stupid decisions so you can grow from them. I've tried to hold onto people who have said AWFUL things about me just because I loved them in the past, and i have this thing about wanting to feel wanted, and they made me feel that way, but you can't hold onto something just because at one point they made you feel special. Those good memories of them slowly become more and more bitter. I've loved two guys deeply and we had great memories together, but the only thing that comes to my mind now when I think of them is the train wreck we created trying to remain friends. Trust me, It's really not worth it. So for the next two weeks I want all of you to forget about the bullshit in your lives, and get rid of it. I'm aiming to rid myself of all the stressful people i've attempted to hold on to, and move on to bigger and better things. You're given one life on this Earth, do you really want to spend it hating it and being a big silly ball of stress? I didn't think so.

My Lovelies, Get rid of the assholes in your life and strive to live a freer less stressed life! It's like pulling off a bandaid, at first it sucks, and you may cry, but in the end it's worth it. I promise, and remember, if you're ever feeling lonely, you know where to find me. I will always be her for you with icecream, terrible jokes, and bad pickup lines, because I love you. 

Sex and Sexuality

You might as well all know, I'm bisexual. I do not judge by gender, if I like the person, I like them. I have had crushes on females before, but unfortunately my affections were often not returned, which is why I've always dated men. Growing up in East Texas with a conservative southern baptist family is contradictory to my sexuality. Hell, I've been told that dating someone of a different race was explicably outlawed in the bible(there were no white people in the bible. It's the middle east), think of the backlash i would have received if I came out publicly before now. But here it is, I am bisexual. I have known for years, so it's definitely not a phase. I first came out this year, we were discussing sexuality in my anthropology class, and thats when i realized that there was really nothing wrong with who I am. I called my boyfriend at the time, and asked him if he'd ever date a girl who was bi, and he answered yes and then asked if there was something I needed to share with him. And I did. I have since informed 99% of my family, but its who I am, and who I will always be. There is nothing wrong with liking your own gender (I could go into a whole scientific tangent about the biology of that, but I'll spare you this time)

Now time for the fun part of todays post: SEX, the word that everyone cringes at, and pre-teens laugh about to their friends. Porn is literally the largest industry in the world. Sex and sexuality is shoved in our faces in every day life, so I think it's about time that people stop thinking its taboo. If you're alive (which I know you are if you're reading this) it's because your parents had sex, or you're a test tube baby, and then they still probably had sex anyways. In todays society it's okay for guys to have sex but not for girls? Then there's the wait until marriage thinking, and that branches off into a whole new tree of problems. I was in Girls of Grace, I went through the ceremony and got my ring and all that good stuff, but in retrospect I think it's kinda dumb. If the sex is bad, chances are your marriage is going to suck too. Intimacy is a GIANT part of marriage, and if you can't work that out, then there's going to be a whole bunch of existential questions about how great your marriage is. I'm not trying to be cynical( or give my older readers a heart attack) but this is pure science! Ladies, if they tell you that a guy isn't going to want you because you're "tainted" then well they're a shitty guy. You aren't tainted. you're not a perishable good, you're a fucking human being. My last two boyfriends weren't virgins, and guess what? I didn't care, I didn't see them as whores or sleazy, because it's simply human nature. As you get older the chances of you finding a "pure" man or woman are going to get slimmer and slimmer, wanna know why? because it's a social stigma put upon children that sex means you're a bad person, or that you're going to Hell. If you want to go out and get some coitus, then go! You go get some! JUST DONT BE STUPID. Like seriously, use your 7th grade sex-ed skills and be prepared. You know what I'm talking about.

So, My lovely readers, I'm sorry for any heart attacks or aneurisms caused by this post, and if you decide to stop reading my blog, then be my guest. I simply post my views on life (and biological truth) but whatevs.
uplifting quote: "Heaven called, and they said they're missing an angel. luckily I found it"

Body love

So in light of bikini season coming, i'd like to talk about everyones least favorite topic: your body. Body hatred isn't just a state of mind that effects women. I've met many guys who refuse to take off their shirts when they swim, and hide themselves under baggy t-shirts. People feel this way because at some point someone told you that you weren't beautiful they way you are. STOP LETTING SOMEONE ELSE DECIDE HOW YOU LOOK. I've been called too skinny and too fat, and trust me, both suck. I've thought about being anorexic when I was at my heaviest, but I didn't do it, because guess what? I fucking love food. Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels? Bullshit. Have you had cheesecake? Or fried rice? I can name a shit-ton of things that taste better than skinny feels. Wanna know the best weight to be at? your own. Everything tastes good when you're happy. Instead of letting some editor and a photoshopped actress tell you that you don't fit society's version of beautiful, think of those italicized words. I have scars, fat rolls, wrinkles, and blemishes, but they're MINE. I EARNED those. Every "imperfection" you believe you have was a reward for your kick-ass experiences in life. If someone loves you and you're standing naked in front of them, the last thing they're thinking is "gross. look at that stretch mark" they're thinking "holy shit. I'm so lucky, where do I put my mouth first?"It's people you'll never meet making you believe that you aren't perfect, you are perfect, and beautiful. Chances are the thing you hate about yourself is someones favorite thing about you. I've dated "bigger" guys, and NEVER did I once think that they were fat or ugly or "not worthy". I loved them, and thought they were the most handsome thing I had ever seen. You are beautiful to so many people, and mostly by me. So stop hating yourself and know that you are sexy and beautiful and perfect, and someone would be HONORED to look like you.

THIS is my body, I have fat rolls, scars, tattoos, and blemishes, but it's mine. My body is the effect of my decisions, and I'm damn proud to be me. Your body loves you, it's about time you started loving it back. 

Its okay to cry

So I can already tell I'm going to have a down week. My throat hurts and its super swollen, and I've been so tired lately. I honestly just want someone to lay on the couch with me and cuddle me like I'm a child. I don't mind being alone, i just don't like being lonely, I know I have Einstein, but he doesn't exactly talk back.
Also, I didn't take my anti-depressants while I was in Lufkin, and I cried in front of someone who definitely didn't deserve to see my tears. As much as I love being in University, it can get lonely sometimes. Night is when it gets the worst. I'm in a house by myself with nothing but my dog, my laptop, and my green tea. It's a lonely road I travel, and I go it alone. Ya'll should send me love :) please?
Anyways, It kinda sucks when you're basically told you'll never be enough, I've been told that so many times. There is always someone who shines brighter apparently. I'm a breeze compared to a Hurricane. I'm hard to love, I get that. I break down alot, and I get angry, but I feel that doesn't mean I shouldn't be loved. Being sad isn't something I can control, I do try, but I'm not very good at it. I know this isn't rock bottom. I've been at rock bottom, but it scares me that theres a level lower than this. I'm afraid that I will fall back again, and I'm suppose to be strong. I know I am strong, I'm alive, but sometimes I just become the scared little girl who just wants to curl up and cry. Holy Baloney this has been a sad post. MY LIFE.

please send me love this week :( 

Here's some T.Hiddles snake hips to make up for my sadness 

11 things people need to understand

So, there's always a bit of confusion when it comes to depression, so I'm going to straighten things out for you.
1)there's a difference between BEING depressed and FEELING depressed, one is a medical condition that requires medication and more often than not, extensive therapy, the other is an emotion, it comes and goes, emotions do that. There's absolutely nothing wrong with either of those.

2) Some days you are not physically able to get out of bed. It's just not possible, your blankets feel like a prison, and your body is made of lead. Theres no pin-pointing which days will be "bad" days and which will be "good" days. Its a coin toss. This is the hardest thing that I have to explain to people. Getting out of bed can be just as difficult as flying to Pluto for some people. Having depression sucks, and some days you will not physically be able to leave your house. Sometimes I'm proud of myself if I even take care of myself.

3) "just be happy" do not say this to anyone with depression ever. You know what, just don't say this to anyone. If someone is sad, they're sad for a reason, LEAVE IT ALONE. People with depression want to be happy, but it's a chemical imbalance in the brain. My dopamine receptors decided to nope the fuck out, and so my brain is all willy-nilly. I would love to wakeup every day and be happy I'm alive, but that isn't reality, some days i wake up and wish I was dead, and sometimes I still have SEVERE panic attacks. It's just how life works. So don't be a dick, and just roll with it

4) ITS REAL. For Gods sake people, it's 2014, not 1950. Mental disorders are real, not someone just being a ninny-muggins. So please quit pretending that what I feel is an "overreaction" I've been to 4 therapists, a mental hospital, and I visit a psychiatrist once a month, they all say the same thing, it's a disease, I can't change it. My brain is sick, it's like having ADD or Down Syndrome, its something that happens to people sometimes, and nothing can change it, you just have to accept it, and learn how to live with it. So don't make it harder on anyone by pretending that their disease isn't real.

5) Don't be a dick. Just don't. It doesn't matter if they have depression or not, be nice. You don't know how close to the edge they are.

6) Medication. You have to take it. It sucks, but it keeps you from killing yourself. Telling someone with depression to use "positive thinking" to get better is like telling someone with a broken leg to wish that their leg was healed. You can wish all you want but it isn't going to change a damn thing.

7) Self harm. . I have shoved needles under my skin, sliced my wrists, and burned myself. I did those things to make sure I was alive, sometimes you feel nothing, and you'd trade your soul to feel pain, and so you injure yourself and you still don't feel a damn thing. I have scars on my arms and legs, and at first I was afraid of people seeing them, but you know what? I'm alive. So what if they see what i've done, I'm still breathing. Don't make anyone feel bad about their scars, and don't point them out. "Yes, thank you, I do have scars on my wrist but its not your business, I am still beautiful." (please refer to number 5)

8) Suicide: I tried to kill myself twice. Each time by overdosing on medication, after my second attempt I checked myself into a mental hospital, and I spent a week there. It sucked and I hated it, and I'm trying my hardest to not go back. Don't joke about suicide. do not tell someone to go kill themselves. DONT BE A DICK TO PEOPLE. Me trying to kill myself had nothing to do with my family or how I was raised. My brain told me being dead is less painful then being alive, so I tried to kill myself. Some people show signs of depression and suicide, some don't. My mother thought I was just moody, and that isn't her fault. How could she have known? Just be there for your friends.

9) It's hard. Every day is hard, it's hard knowing you'll never be "normal" and I've had some people in my family make me feel awful for how I am, but I cant change it. It's hard to talk to people, It's hard to be social, it's hard to go out and do things, and its REALLY REALLY hard trying to convince yourself that you are loved sometimes (You are. All the time, every single second of every single day by so many people. but your brain is a dick). You depend on medication and pure will power, and you feel like a ticking bomb with a faulty timer. You never know when you're going to be set off.

10) finding religion isn't always the answer.

11) Triggers are bad. very very bad. They're what sets you off. I had to write a list of possible triggers. I wrote down 100 things, and then gave up. Thats 100 things that I have absolutely NO control over that can at any point in time send me into crazy bitch mode (sorry if you've ever been on the receiving end of that). What sucks is you explode, then have to do damage control. Ive said awful things to people that I didn't mean, and i've lost friends and relationships because of it. BUT YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER IT. Its like PMS 24/7/365. I've been called names and my brain was like "yo bruh, thats cool. whatevs" and then one time someone said that I could be dramatic sometimes and my brain went into full fledged meltdown mode. You cant change it, and you have to deal with it and have some SERIOUS self control and patience (I have neither). Be patient. I know being around me is like walking on eggshells, trust me; I am very fully aware, and I hate it. But yelling and getting upset at someone in meltdown mode just makes it worse. The only extremely safe course of action is to get them to a safe place, sit them down, look them in the eyes and say " I love you, and I'm doing this for your own safety" then walk away, and wait for them to wear themselves out(or calm down)

Depression is hard and it sucks. Like hard core. You blame yourself for everything, and hate everyone. You're basically a human grumpy cat, but you will survive it. I am. Every day i give myself a mental pat on the back for mundane accomplishments like getting out of bed, but it really helps. There are days where you want to die, and there are days when you sit outside just because the sun feels nice on your skin. If you have depression, or know anyone that does, accept and love them. Thats it. Hell, depression or not accept and love everyone ( I suck at that but i'm working on it). You know my facebook, so talk to me anytime you want, if you want.
remember my perfect beautiful readers:
"smile...because I love you"

What college is really like

     Lets talk about college for a minute, everyones experiences are different, so don't go in expecting anything. I went to college thinking I could forget about all the shit in my past, but that stuff will follow you anywhere if you let it. DROP THE DRAMA. like seriously, trying to be BFFS with someone who's dealing with a whole different set of problems and experiences than you is hard. I'm only friends with a handful of people who are still in high school (yes TJ, I'm talking about you), and sometimes it works. sometimes it doesn't don't force anything. If you have to force it, it's probably a shitty friendship in the first place
sex: some people have a bunch of sex in college, I do not. But if thats what you want to do, by all means go for it, and do not let anyone, ANYONE make you feel bad about it. You are a grown individual making your own decisions(and mistakes sometimes). If you're happy having sex, then go you! You get some.
food: You will not eat anything healthy. ever. 24/7 taco places will become your best friend, and Oreos and ice cream is always a GREAT idea for dinner
drinking: I went in saying "I'm never going to drink or party!" well. fuck that. I go to parties just about every weekend, and I have a good time, just know your limits and under no circumstances let anyone make a drink for you. just don't do it. Also if you drink and drive you are stupid and I'm judging you
studying/sleep: the one thing that is true for every college experience. You get to pick one (and for heavens sake DO NOT sign up for an 8am class. just don't do it)
personal hygiene/ appearance: the laws of showering/ brushing your hair do not exist. Ive gone 2 days without showering and a week without washing my hair. seriously no one cares if you look like shit. Also, if you see girls who look cute every day then they are obviously magical and you may be jealous from a distance. I thought i'd never do the 'yoga pants/ UGG boot' combo. Its comfortable, like. seriously. Comfort always comes before fashion in college. You pay $40,000 to become a zombie, so you might as well be comfortable during it. If ANYONE tells you that you look ugly, or any insult, punch them. straight in the face. YOU ARE A SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE AND THEY DONT DESERVE TO LOOK UPON YOUR BEAUTY. 
relationships: I am awful at advice. Cosmo gives better relationship advice than me. sorry. May the odds be ever in your favor? (oh, and if a boy calls you weird for making a Harry Potter reference, they aren't the guy for you)
Professors: sometimes they're good, sometimes not. Sometimes they refuse to say the word "penis", and sometimes they talk about sex and motherfuckers in class (I'm not kidding. It's a poetry class, i don't know how it coms up) but either way they get paid to be there, and you're the one paying them. so suck it up. Oh, and if you can't understand a word your professor is saying, drop the class, you will not understand anything, so what's the point of being there if you aren't learning?

This has been a super long post, sorry about that, there's more to college than what you see on TV, but it's worth it. I love college, I love living on my own. But it also gets lonely, I miss my family a lot, and if you want to visit them back home(or have them visit you) do it. They're your family, they're there to support you(and you usually get free food out of it). Keep your chins up my darlings! (I have no inspirational quote for today. I'm sorry)

Valentines Day

So i started off this Valentines day like most single people, incredibly bitter, I saw all these happy couples and flowers and gifts and i was struck by a twang of jealousy. I don't really have a good track record with Valentines day, so that didn't exactly help, Then i started to think, what exactly is Valentines day? I mean, the original Valentines day was about a guy who got executed for performing weddings for soldiers. I get that love aspect, but priests kinda did that, they marry people its part of the job description. How did it become this?

I guess thats enough of my existential questions; back to my bitterness. Many of my good friends are in relationships (or hopelessly in love with someone who doesn't love them back), and they're happy abut valentines day, because you know, they have someone to share it with. Then as my morning progressed, I put on some classic rock and kinda just enjoyed the beautiful day it is today, I mean im single every other 364 days of the year, why is this one day so different? because its shoved in your face? well every other day it is too; movies, books, magazines. Its all "blah blah and blah are engaged" "get a significant other now using these simple steps!!) so, today really isnt that different from any other singlypringly day.

You don't have to have a boyfriend/girlfriend/civil partner/wife/husband/insert romantic interest, to have valentines day. Lots of people love you. like a bunch. Even if you dont think so, i have so many friends and family that love me, and i love them, so I stopped being bitter and realized that I have so many people to love and be thankful that I have in my life. Hell, if you dont think anyone loves you, hit me up on facebook (Alex Wallace from Lufkin,Texas) and i'll be your valentine. I'll message you chessy poetry and cute pictures. Be everyones Valentine love every single person every day, you don't know what people are going through, so show the love every day, not just on Valentines day.
and remember....
'you, yeah you. I see you, thinking you aren't pretty or handsome, thinking you aren't loved, well guess what DAYUM SON YOU IS SEXAHHHH and I love you. I may be the Lonely Bea, but I love you, and im on your side. smile and let the world see how badass you are'

The intro

I guess I should formally introduce myself. I am Captain Alex, most fearsome pirate since Blackbeard. I'm in college and I pretty much do what most college kids do. eat. The say writing helps with traumatic experiences, so here I am. hopefully writing myself to a simpler state of mind(or at least a more peaceful)

I grew up normally(at least I think I did) mom, dad, and my big sister, my parents got divorced, and my mom married a new man, and I got another sister, which was pretty fabulous if you ask me. But three years ago, my sister, Lizzie, was diagnosed with stage four liver cancer. It was a rough three years, and she passed away, which is traumatic enough, but it gets a wee bit harder when youre diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. I refuse to talk to anyone about it, so I will just share my feelings with the world wide web(what's Facebook for anyways?!!?!)

This blog isnt about everyone hearing my sob story, its to hopefully bring me, and anyone else like me, to a better state of living. I sometimes have funny stories, so just stick with me, and I can at least make you laugh. I don't really know what else to tell you about me. I guess we'll get there when we get there, so have a good night my lovely readers(if i have any), i bid you goodbye until next time. but always remember....

"you is hella cute
  you is hella fine"